Walloped Weasels cry 'we want to go home' as Selfish and Test Match seal victory

It had been coming for a while but it was Test Match Tim who sparked a howl of pure anguish from Weasels.
A wild play-and-miss outside off was followed by a rasping boundary to mid-wicket.
As Tim held the pose, it was all too much for Weasels' opening bowler Greg.
'Cricket. What a cruel, cruel game,' he cried in pain.
There was more at the end of his over.
'I want to go home. Skip, please take me off,' the seamer sighed.
It was that sort of day for our Sunday opponents at Greenwich Park.
Fielding just nine men (one fewer than Cincers), Weasels won the toss and put themselves in and were going well until a freak dismissal.
New left-armer Chris Payne, in apparently his first bowling spell ever, slipped and sent down a juicy long-hop outside off.
The eyes of Weasels' batter William lit up and he hammered it square for four....only to see Tim M snaffle the catch at point. Thirty-three for one.
Juat six runs later, skipper Bish smashed one back straight and watched in astonishment as Chris took a stunning caught-and-bowled.
With his burly build and muscular approach to the wicket, the Skip spotted it immediately.
Chris is Tim Bresnan's left-handed cousin. Great debut.
Cincers had opened up with Charlie Barker and Richard de Q.
Tight-bowling from both, especially Charlie, kept Weasels in check before Chris took the first wickets.
At the other end, Test Match's accurate swinging deliveries meant the opposition was going at a snail's pace.
Enter the spin twins - offie Richard H and the Skip's lofted leggies now converted into involuntary googlies.
Plus generous leg-stump full tosses which helped Weasels up the pace and mount a bid for respectability.
However, Richard's offies were working their usual magic with a smart stumping from the keeper ....Tom Lowe. 82 for 3.
('Are you going to mention my razor-sharp reactions and superb glovemanship on the blog, Skip?' Tom asked modestly after the match.)
Oh, all right then.
Two clean-bowleds from Richard H meant Weasels had slumped to 85 for 5.
The offie could have had more, dropping a sharp chance off his bowling.
As did the Skip. He put down a c & b for the second week running.
But he picked up two caught behinds thanks to Tom, the first an authentic edge to a full-pitched ball which baffled the batsman and the bowler by shaping in rather than the intended turn away.
The second was ripped straight from the Cincers Book of Shame, a double-bouncing embarrassment which somehow the batsman managed to edge into Tom's grateful gloves.
The bowler decided on a mumbled apology rather than a full-throated appeal.
The Skip, who has sent down far fewer deliveries this year than last, would have stayed on for his full seven overs was it not for a cautionary word from Selfish.
Seeing the new tailender speak with an Aussie accent and smash his first delivery from the Skip for a straight four, Selfish muttered 'could be a honey monster'.
The Captain shivered. Memories of the muscle-bound Australian youth who smashed him round the West of Ireland a few years ago flashed up.
The Skip made a strategic retreat and Selfish and Tim mopped up the last two wickets, the last one being the so-called new Honey Monster for a less than murderous 13.
Still, you got yourself a bowl, didn't you, Simon?
Weasels finished on 115 all out off 32.3.
By now, the overcast Sunday had transformed itself into a gorgeous late summer's day.
Perfect batting weather even if the Greenwich Park was the usual bounceless pudding.
But what the heck - we were fortified by a delivery of scrumptious home-made brownies by Test Match's better half Amy at tea-time.
What could stop us?
Accordingly, Cincers' openers Selfish and Test Match set off a gallop, with Simon in particular punishing the bad balls.
Weasels' frustations began to show as the pair rattled along at about five an hour with only the occasional scare.
Eventually, Honey Monster Mark II trapped Selfish in front when he was two short of yet another half-century.
Umpiring, the Skip didn't move a muscle for seconds..before triggering him.
He left the stage slowly, his partnership with Test Match sundered one run short of the century.
James arrived and made clear what all his cries of 'get on with it' from the boundary edge were all about.
He scythed his first ball for four to mid-wicket. Another followed soon.
There was still life in the game, though.
Test Match was skittled for 43 by Weasels' skipper Bish who bowled as though he had made a mistake by bringing himself on so late (the curse of many a bowling Skipper....).
Moyners trotted out with the formica shelving (he calls it a bat but we know better).
He quickly trotted back - 0ut for a duck after giving himself room for a trademark cover drive that didn't quite come off.
Now he's talking about coming to winter nets. Yes, you read it here first. Tim M at nets. Better get a photographer.
The scene was set for Tom to show off with barely 10 needed to win.
Portentously, he called James down for a mid-wicket conference which went like this: 'Let's get them in singles.'
Decoded, that meant 'give me the strike and you won't see it again 'cos I'll get them in two shots.'
Sadly for Tom, the Skip, still umpiring, had a quiet word in James's ear.
He duly kept the strike and got the winning runs with a sweep behind square for four.
Game over.
Thanks to Charlie for fielding for Weasels to help them make up the numbers.
And thanks to Weasels for a game played in great spirit with the odd bit of self-sledging by them.
Match tally so far this season: Won 5, lost 4, one tie. Gulp.
Next stop the tour in Provence!

Richard H leads the way as Cincers' end victory famine at Old Wimbledonians

A batting masterclass from Selfish Simon, a battling undefeated 39 from BK's Pete and a late blitzkrieg from Tim Cork took Cincers to a memorable victory Over Old Wimbledonians yesterday.
But the triumph, our first ever over OWs, was all built on a fine spell of off-spin bowling from Richard H and a superb all-round effort in the field.
As is now the custom in Cincers' game, it went down to the wire.
But it began with a fatal wobble by OWs
Having won the toss and chosen to stick us in, their Skip had a sudden change of heart.
He was worried we were too weak and the game would be all over in a trice.
Was he conned by our Skip?
It's possible. Many people have been.
The trickery continued.
To lull OWs into a false sense of total dominance, what better than for the Skip to bring himself on with his 'leggies'!
One classic flighted full-toss on leg was wafted effortlessly for four and OWs were up and running.
The trap set, Selfish's famously miserly media-pacers were deployed to replace the Skip.
At the other, Charlie Barker, now rapidly becoming a Cincers regular, started tightly too.
The first breakthrough: technically, batsman run out off non-striker's buttock.
A sharp deflection, a chaotic run and Selfish off his own bowling threw down the stumps at the keeper's end.
(Keeper, by the way, was Corkie - Pete having arrived a mite to late to don the gloves).
Selfish soon struck again - an LBW.
For the rest of his spell, he was a miser - 1 for 13 off 7.
Even so, OWs were striking the ball well when Richard H began with his two-stride run-up off-breaks.
The oppo's eyes lit up. His first over went for 12.
But they don't call Richard the Graeme Swann of Cincers for nothing.
(They don't actually call him that at all yet but we need to get this label up and running).
After being smashed for one mighty boundary, the batsman was bowled through the gate by a sharp turner. 36 for 3 and looking good.
Inevitably, OWs rallied after that.
But then Charlie struck, thanks to a fine catch from a half-asleep Tom L at gully.
He was dozing as Saturday night was his official 30th birthday party.
He was still dozing when he came into bat later.
Back to their innings.
A dry-as-dust and slow wicket was suiting Richard.
Suddenly he got two in two. The hat trick ball didn't materialise but there was run-out off his bowling, thanks to Pete posting himself at mid-wicket and sharply moving to square leg.
The bails were sharply removed by Corkie.
For some reason, the scorebook doesn't show it but he also executed a smart stumping to give Richard another wicket.
All the while, Pete toiled away at the other end, his medium swingers tying OWs down but with little reward until James snaffled a catch at mid-on.
At 119 for 9, with roughly six of their alloted 40 to go, OWs were in dire straits.
They rallied once more to 137 for 9.
Having tried out newcomer Tom Pugh (roughly the same height as Tom L, similar build but not snoring while he fielded) for a couple of overs, the Skip brought back Selfish.
He also took a real gamble. He brought himself back on.
The team held its breath. Was this wise?
It was, thankfully, Only one run came off his two overs, one dropped caught and bowled and then redemption by bamboozling the tailender in the flight. The poor man played on.
Excellent fielding by Cincers had helped keep OWs to 143 off 35.
We clapped Richard off the field for his 4 for 30 off 7.
In theory, the target wasn't taxing.
But this was a combined OWs Sunday thirds and seconds.
As for us, we had a couple of new players to bed in.
It was not going to be easy.
Selfish opened up with Dee who's exaggerated 'leaves' outside off (also known as play-and-misses) were soon infuriating the oppo.
Simon ploughed on in the same old way, watchfully playing late and putting away the bad ball away with aplomb.
We moved along steadily, at roughly 3.5 an over - the overall asking rate.
Regardless, Dee started fretting.
Umpiring, the Skip had to remind him that with Selfish at the crease, there was time.
We'd got to about 30 without loss when fate struck.
Having only just stopped mithering about the run-rate, Dee developed a mystery elbow injury and promptly left the field.
That brought in James who clearly has potential to be a heavy-scoring batter but may be needs a winter of nets and coach Frank's tender mercies.
He was bowled for two whereupon Dee (complete with elbow) returned.
It was a brief stay. He was skittled for 11.
Enter Tom L.
And then exit Tom. Immediately.
Sashaying down the wicket first ball to a legspinner (a proper one), he was so far out of his crease he needed a zones one-to-six travelcard to get back.
Forty-two for 3 rapidly became 42 for 4 when new signing Chris Payne, a mate of Richard and James's, was bowled for a duck.
So began the crucial stand. Pete B, better known for his biffing of Cincers' bowling for old enemy BK, strode out.
OWs were confident.
We still needed the best part of 100 and they probably thought we were done for.
The bowling was tight.
But Selfish and Pete were up to the challenge.
Dot balls a-plenty there were but then also the vital boundary here and there.
Drinks came and went but still the partnership continued.
Selfish duly notched yet another 50.
Unfortuately, our scorebook doesn't record exactly when Simon fell - to one that kept very low - but when he went, a shiver went through the watching Cincers.
We still needed four, or just over four, an over and by this time, OWs had brought some serious bowling on.
The Skip, mindful of his suicidal victory-denying run in the previous game, was pacing up and down as he was next but one in.
Thankfully, he was oblivious to the fact that Tom L, doing a long spell of umpiring as punishment for his golden duck, had just told Pete we had no batting left.
(Despite signalling repeatedly to be replaced as umpire - he wanted to use the loo - the Skip refused, saying he needed some time in the middle after that loony shot).
Happily, Corkie didn't hear Tom's 'no batting left' remark either.
He is a 20/20 specialist opening batter. Not one of life's single-takers.
So just as OWs began to smell fear, Corkie nailed them.
Starting with a four, he whacked three boundaries in all to help Pete take us over the line.
As the scoreboard picture shows, Pete finished with an invaluable 39 not out and Corkie with 15 n/o.
A memorable first victory over fine opponents.
To top it off, we gave Tom L a bottle of champers for his birthday.
He didn't open it.
After his first-ball duck, there had to be some limit to the celebrations!
Many thanks to all who turned out.
* Next game - Sunday, August 21 v Weasels at Greenwich Park.

Skipper's doomed dash costs Cincers' victory as pulsating game ends in a tie

Sunstroke. A rush of blood to the head. A misheard call of 'there's one there!'
The Skip was left clutching at excuses on Sunday after a bonkers sprint down the wicket cost us victory.
With seven balls to go (yes, seven) and just one needed to win against new opponents SLICC, he charged down from the non-striker's end like a man possessed.
Terrified, the man on strike - new signing Charlie Barker - was frozen to the crease, baffled as to why a ball hit straight to a close-in mid-off was a run.
It never was.
The bails came off, followed by Cincers' wheels.
The Skip momentarily blamed Charlie for forgetting to switch his phaser to 'stun' and immobilising him at the non-striker's end.
But after several calls to the Samaritans, the captain owned up.
Unforgivable!
His hare-brained charge had broken Cincers' hearts.
Sadly, there were other breakages - starting with Chris Storr's finger.
The digit was severely damaged when he bravely went for a hard-hit catch on the cover boundary.
Very bad luck.
Churlish to point out the drop then went over the boundary for four so we won't.
Chris's injury, confirmed at the conveniently-located St George's Hospital A & E (we were playing near Tooting/South Wimbledon), meant Cincers were down to 10 in the batting department.
That became nine when Mohammad left before he had a chance to strap the pads on.
Our opponents - Southwark and Lambeth Imperial Cricket Club - had the Skip worried as soon as he clapped eyes on them.
There was something about them that spelt danger. It was....youth.
With two Cincers well past their personal half-centuries (Tim M and the Skip), it looked like a tough ask.
SLICC, ironically given his injury, were recommended to us by Chris.
Lawyers, I think they are.
The toss - at Haydons Road Rec 10 minutes from South Wimbledon tube - was won by the Skip.
Although it was a blisteringly hot day, he elected to bowl, fearful that SLICC's rumoured fine quickies would blow us away.
But it was our openers who initially turned up the heat.
Tim Collins, returning for his second game of the season, and Mohammad, started superbly.
The SLICC youngsters hardly laid a bat on ball.
After 10 overs, they were barely at two an over.
But on a lightening quick outfield and dry-as-dust pitch, the change bowlers could not maintain the strangle-hold.
The odd wicket fell - Shebash took a superb catch at mid-off from a fiercely-hit drive off Charlie's medium-pacers.
The Skip came on and bowled a decent two overs, getting SLICC's best batsman (he averages 80 apparently) with a trade-mark stumping by keeper Adam.
But after that, the legspinner lost it big-time and got thumped for about 18 in one over.
Chris Storr was unlucky - as was offie Paul - not to get an LB but then none of the SLICCSTERS departed that way (a moot point given later events).
Apart from the odd heroics, our fielding was, well, rubbish.
Tom at gully and Shebash at mid-off got down to the ball well on a dangerously unpredictable outfield.
But overall, we must have handed SLICC a dozen extra runs through misfields and blunders.
Tom at gully and Shebash at mid-off, though, kept
A score of 199 for 4 off 35 was testing, given the rumour that the opponents were a fine bowling outfit.
Michael Holding in his pomp would have been happy with the run-up SLICC opener Danny took.
He wasn't exactly express but my, he was wild at times - dishing up the odd beamer intermingled with sharp in-swingers.
The full tosses presumably explained why his team-mates were so well versed with the 'above waist-height' no-ball rules.
One full pitch which Shebash played on to a very sensitive area forced him to retire hurt.
Another struck Tom on the glove and left him wincing with pain.
This time, he wasn't acting.
At the other end, SLICC skip Will looked to be bowling a much more controlled length which had opener Ali in some trouble.
That said, Ali plays and misses one ball, then whacks the next for four.
As a pinch-hitter, he's as good as Cincers has had.
So needing over 5 an over, we kept up with the pace even though wickets kept falling.
Ali was LB for 30, Tim M and Adam both went for quickly scored 27s.
Shebash had bravely come back in but could not recover his six-hitting form of last week.
As if to match Chris's misfortune for Cincers, one of SLICC's fielders copped a broken wrist stopping one at mid-off or thereabouts as we went for the runs.
Paul, hitherto known more for his spinning, insisted on being a batsman this weekend.
He played like one.
In fact, his stand with big Tim C - starting with Cincers at 120 for 5 and needing 80 at a rate that had suddenly climbed to eight an over - looked destined to take us to an improbable victory.
Remember, Chris's injury and Mohammad's early dart meant we only had nine batsmen or eight wickets.
SLICC, though they grassed a fair few catches, were far better at ground-fielding than Cincers.
But when you clear the ropes, ground-fielding isn't a problem.
The Tim/Paul combo blazed away, with Paul belting one fine straight six.
But with 20 or so needed off three, he was triggered...by Tim M for 23.
'Moyners' is old school. If he thinks it's out, he gives it.
Regardless of whether any LBs have been given for us.
Paul trudged off, shaking his head. From the side-on view came mutterings that he was well forward.
So enter the Skip, in the batting form of his life, having scored mighty innings (for him) of 25 and 37 as an opener in recent weeks.
What could go wrong?
Anyhow, he wasn't needed.
Tim C kept the strike and crushed SLICC's morale with some mighty blows.
To cries of 'catch it' from the oppo, Tim loudly proclaimed 'you can't catch that' as one disappeared far over the fence.
Then disaster.
With the scores level, Tim M's finger rose again. LB. The batsman left for a majestic and rapid 54.
He wasn't complaining but an unworthy thought flitted briefly across the team's collective mind.
Had the wrong Cincers' finger been cruelly crocked that afternoon?
In came young Charlie on his batting debut for Cincers, two balls to face in the penultimate over.
One to win, one wicket left.
The field came right in.
Charlie's first ball. No run.
So what? Seven to go.
The second ball, whacked firmly to mid-off.
The rest is history. Tragic, bloody history.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

PS: On closer inspection, our beloved scorebook shows Cincers scoring 184 off the bat, plus two no-balls, 13 wides and three leg-byes - 18 extras in total.
Using the now well-established Hindu-Arabic numbering system, that comes to 202.
All together now:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!

PPS: Next game - Sunday, August 7 v Old Wimbledonians at OWs' ground, Raynes Park.